Tahl's Talk: A Jedi Apprentice Tabloid
by Sithstrukk
Summary: Tahl is said to have had the back story on just about everything in the galaxy so she seems like the type of person who might gossip. But the rumors she digs up... love triangles, a Darth Kenobi, waxes and shaves and Senate fundraisers and more! Complete.
1. Chapter 1: Obi Wan

**A JA tabloid! Written by Tahl. Yay! In the JA books, Tahl seems to have the back story of everything in the galaxy. So she makes her own tabloid!**

**I dont own JA, or Star Wars. Oh yeah, and Still A Kitten is helping me write this, so if you hate it, it's partly her fault. :)**

------------------------------------------------

Obi-Wan: Jedi or Sith?

As you may know, Obi-Wan Kenobi got his butt kicked out of the Jedi Order about a year ago. Official reports state that he attacked another student with a training lightsaber, severely injuring him.

But everyone knows Obi-Wan as a nice young man and a teenage girl heartthrob.

And if you've hung out in the Senate (and don't, they are just a bunch of selfish power cravers, see pg.25), you know that official reports are always wrong.

Did he really attack this student? Is my bff, Qui-Gon, mentoring a...SITH? I interviewed several people on this pressing matter.

"Obi-Wan? A Sith? Never! None of my apprentices have ever became Sith, and they never will!" a furious Qui-Gon yelled at me, totally forgetting Xanatos.

"A Sith, Obi-Wan is not. Proven his loyalty to the Jedi and the Republic, he has," says someone (wishes to remain anonymous, he does).

"Yes! Yes, he is a Sith! An evil, evil Sith! The worst of the worst! The bad boy of the bad boys. A dark side freak of nature," Bruck Chun informed me (a little too eagerly).

"I've seen him with a red lightsaber. He treats it like it's his most prized possession," whispered Siri Tachi with wide-eyed fear.

"He sneaks into the archives to view secret holocrons. Bad holocrons, I think. Or was that Dooku?" An old Jocasta Nu said, who is clearly getting old.

"There's a Sith?! A Sith named Obi-Wan?! And he thinks he's a Jedi?!" A confused youngling shrieked.

"If Obi-Wan was a Sith, he would have just killed the student," Says Cin Draillg, Obi-Wan's lightsaber instructor.

"He's a Sith, I know it. He stole my muja muffin! No Jedi would do that. Only a Sith would dare to be so bold," said Reeft, Obi-Wan's ex-friend who happens to be obsessed with food.

"I think I know my best friend enough to say that it was all an accident and that he is one hundred and ten percent Jedi," my Padawan, Bant, told me.

"You think Obi-Wan's a...oh, Force, gimme a break!" Garen Muln wailed.

And now, Obi-Wan Kenobi himself gives his opinion.

"I love the Jedi. They are everything to me. What happened was a trap. I was provoked," growled Obi-Wan, making himself sound like a complete Sith.

**Well...whadaya think...the review button is there for you to review, ya know. :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Xanatos

**Just so you know, this story has no definite time period. I don't own Star Wars or StarClan.**

**Xanatos: Misunderstood teen or terrbile tyrant?**

All of us know Xanatos, that jerk who tried to blow us up. He was Qui-Gon's apprentice before Obi-Wan Kenobi. It is said that he turned to the dark side after his dad died. But not all of us know that the one and only Qui-Gon Jinn killed [his dad] for no good reason.

So how do we know that Xanatos was just a poor, misunderstood teen? (Okay, he was a little older than a teen) Was he truly a worshiper of the dark side, almost as bad as Obi-Wan, who showed up at my door in a black cloak demanding candy and stuff from me, saying it was "Halloween"?

This is when several accurate sources said when interviewed.

"I sorta knew Xanatos...kinda...yeah, he's a terrible tyrant. And he only killed himself so Qui-Gon woudn't," Says Obi-Wan (after I gave him twenty credits).

"Trusted him, we did not. Arrogant, he was," says Senior member of the Jedi Council, Master Yoda (By senior, I mean ancient).

Still recovering from last week's upset with Obi-Wan being a sith, Qui-Gon ended up saying, "Leave me alone!", slamming the door in my face. I guess our date tonight is so canceled.

"Xanatos was a nice guy. He was funny, handsome, cute, handsome, strong, and handsome," says Aayla Secura, who Kit Fisto is very mad at now.

"Xanatos? Oh, you mean that jerk that wanted to blow up the Jedi Temple? He's a jerk," says Siri Tachi, rather bluntly.

"Give the guy a break. Having a master like Qui-Gon would drive anyone mad," Mace Windu said quietly, glancing around to see if the Jedi Master was closeby.

I wanted to interview Xanatos himself, but, sadly, he's dead. So I tried to find him using the force, and that didn't work, and then I looked around for something that may be him as a lower life form, but that didn't work, so then I prayed and looked in heaven, and the opposite direction, and I even checked StarClan, even though that's just for cats, but sorry, folks, he's gone. I've looked everywhere. So we'll just pretend Xanatos said, "Yeah, I'm evil!"

**Ta-Da! That one was fun to write. Please review! And if you want, request a character that you want me to write about next.**


	3. Chapter 3: Bant Eerin

**Thank you to all who reviewed! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. The honorable George Lucas owns it.**

Bant Eerin: Sentient Species or Squid?

This week's topic is about Bant Eerin, a talented young Jedi who I am considering training (though I doubt she will accept after this). As I was evaluating her lightsaber skills, I realized Mon Calamari resemble squids. So now the question on everyone's (or at least my) mind is this: Are Mon Cal related and/or squid?

"Nah, I kissed a Mon Cal once, and I've had squid, and they taste totally different," says a young Kit Fisto. "And the squid was better."

"Oh, novas and neutrons, not Bant too! I have no comment." Moans Qui-Gon, my now ex-boyfriend.

"Bant's a smart, intelligent being. No way is she related to a squid," insists Obi-Wan, the Sith. He showed up at my door with a present saying it was Christmas. It was a bomb, I know it.

"Squid can't talk, duh!" Garen Muln says.

"The word calamari in 'Mon Calamari' seems strange, as they seem more closely related to tuna," a Jedi Chef ponders.

"Hey, I'm a Mon Cal! Don't be calling me a squid, you're a human with green and gold eyes, for star's sake, you're a lizard!" Says a Mandalornian in armor that I encountered at a bar.

"Bant's a squid! Squid are delicious," Sighs Reeft

"I expect Bant to receive the same treatment as any other Padawan in the Temple. That means not insulting her species!" Snapped Mace Windu.

"I see this shall require extensive genetic research," A temple archivist whose job I _still _haven't stolen says.

"You'll thank my squid-like intelligence when I help save the galaxy," Says the always humble Admiral Ackbar. (Save the galaxy? We need saving?!)

"I'm a squid?!" Bant shrieked. "No way. My great great great great (etc, etc,) grandfather was a dolphin. A cute dolphin, who could do tricks like flips and stuff."

Well, there you have it; Bant's a cute dolphin, who can do tricks like flips and stuff. That means that if I become her master, I'll be a dolphin trainer! (My childhood dream) Coming up next week: Qui-Gon: Hippie or heartbroken?

**I hope this one was longer…I wanted to make it a little longer than the previous ones. Anyway, please read and review, flames accepted, please include suggestions, lots of smileys, and on a scale of one to ten how funny it was. ******


	4. Chapter 4: QuiGon Jinn

**I don't own Star Wars. George Lucas does.**

Qui-Gon: Hippie or Heartbroken?

As you all know, Qui-Gon is my ex-boyfriend. He's been taking his ex-boyfriend status pretty badly. He sends me tons of red roses and other flowers every day begging for forgiveness. This triggers my allergies, and no way will I forgive him until he gets every stinkin rose out of my apartment.

This brings up the question; is Qui-Gon a flower-obsessed hippie or a heartbroken hottie?

"Hottie? No way. Heartbroken? Definitely. Hippie? Probably," says Mace Windu.

"My Master?! A hottie?! No way! You were right to dump him," says Obi-Wan Kenobi, which doesn't really answer the question. He's been against our relationship from the start. It's very Sith-like.

"Yeah, he's a heartbroken hottie," Siri Taci dreamily. "And he's single." (Wait a minute, she can't steal my ex!)

"Have you seen him in the gardens? He practically worships those flowers. He pets them, and feeds them, and takes them on walks," Clee Rhara stated, trying to keep a straight face.

"You broke up with him? So he's single? Sorry, can't talk, got to go," Adi Gallia quickly said.

"As a Padawan, Qui-Gon did enjoy stopping and smelling the roses, and not metaphorically," Dooku, Qui-Gon's master, said.

"So _he's _the one who's been taking all the garden's flowers!" A temple gardener exclaimed.

"Strong in the living force, he is," says Yoda. I can't seem to get a straight answer out of anyone today!

When I asked Qui-Gon's opinion on this, he said (And it's so sweet, I bet you're jealous!)  
"Tahl, forget your 'investigation.' All I want is your forgiveness. The truth is, I'm allergic to flowers. -Sneeze- and I –sneeze- hope that you still like me. –Sneeze-

Then Adi and Siri ran up to him and started hitting on him! That made me really mad, so I punched them. That's right; I punched a Padawan _and _a Council member all over a guy. I'm so bad. They ran away crying. I think I can conclude that Qui-Gon is a no longer heartbroken hottie.

**How'd you like it? Good? Bad? Funny? Worthy of a flame? Review by clicking on the review button. Its right there, see? Right below this. And please suggest a character and something I can write about them, so far I'm out of ideas.**


	5. Chapter 5: Yoda

**Next chapter! I came up with this one by myself.**

**I don't own Star Wars. It all belongs to the genius behind the ingenuity, the creator of the saga that has changed lives –fanfare- George Lucas! –Applause-**

Yoda: Little Green Troll Jedi or T-Rex?

An important question has risen from the ranks of the younglings; Could Master Yoda be a T-Rex? Most of us see Yoda as a little green troll rather than some dead dino. But, as it is my job, I shall investigate!

"Yoda's species is rare, ancient, and undetermined. How old they live is unknown. He could be a dinosaur, but I'm not making any promises," advises Jocastu Nu, temple archivist.

"Look at him, he's a pip-squeak! And you think he's a dinosaur?" Insists Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"Yoda? A dinosaur? He's clearly a crocodile, can't you tell?!" Says Mace Windu, who either stopped taking his medication or needs glasses. (For the story behind his purple lightsaber, go to pg. 12.)

"You've gone mad!!!" Qui-Gon screamed, running away. I would like to inform my readers that I am currently dating Qui-Gon, despite his rude comments, so STAY AWAY, ADI AND SIRI! OR ELSE!

"Yoda's a dinosaur? I told you guys!" A youngling cheered.

"Oh sure, he visits the Natural History Museum and stares at the fossils. He calls them Mom and Dad, Uncle Bob, and Aunt Sally," Snickers Clee Rhara.

"I've never had dinosaur. Is it good?" Asks food obsessed Reeft.

"So first Obi-Wan's a Sith, than I'm a squid, and now Yoda's a _dinosaur_?!" Bant shrieked.

"Have you seen his Ataru? It's awesome!" Exclaimed a Padawan. (Have I seen his _what? _Oh, Ataru, of course.)

"He's a troll. No dinosaur is that small," says Siri Tachi.

"Dinosaur, I am not!" Yoda said, hitting me with his gimer stick.

**Review, please! Flames, lolz, smileys, good reviews, critique, and ideas are accepted with cheers and a thank you.**


	6. Chapter 6: Garen and Obi Wan

**Before I say anything else…THANK YOU, METORIA! She came up with, like, a ton of ideas (not that no one else has been of help) but I really have to thank her especially. Also, thank you Jedigal125 for always reviewing. I know I can count on you! :)**

**I don't own Star Wars or Jedi Apprentice.**

**Does Garen Muln Have an Evil Twin?**

Surveillance reports, a.k.a. my 20/20 eyesight, indicate that two certain Padawans, one a Jedi, one a Sith, look awfully alike. I mean, they both have similar hair, similar builds, and they're both guys. But the thing that really convinced me they may be related was their smiles. Those Cheshire-cat grins, framed by those pearly whites, are identical!

You may be doubtful of this, especially if you are Qui-Gon, but I think that Garen Muln and Darth Obi-Wan Kenobi are long lost twins! And, of course, Obi-Wan is the evil twin.

But why all the secrecy? I mean, you'd think the Council would know about their past. But they don't see anything anymore. They deny the fact that Obi-Wan is a Sith Lord! They don't know anything anymore. So I was left on my own for this case. I started with the interviewing, as usual…

"They are so totally brothers. They are both equally cute," boy obsessed Siri Tachi tells me.

"I believe the Council would have known they were brothers, don't you?" Mace Windu asks sternly.

"But they have different last names!" A youngling exclaimed.

"Uh…Qui-Gon is not here. Zeh man has moved. Au voir," Qui-Gon tried to fool me when I knocked on his door. I got no other response.

"Obi-Wan's my _what_? Um…I'm pretty sure I'm an only child," Garen Muln insisted, "And he's not evil."

"I'm no one's evil twin! If anything, I _have _an evil twin. I would never be the evil one," Obi-Wan says, implying he does have an evil twin. After further investigation of this where I interrogated Garen at length, I have concluded that Obi-Wan was lying, as usual. Now back to the questioning.

"I really don't think you can say that Obi-Wan and Garen are twins without some solid proof," Bant chuckles.

"There is some resemblance, they have very different personalities, and they come from different worlds," Adi Gallia observes.

That was everyone who would let me interview them. The rest all said, "I'm studying," or, "I'm training," or, "I'm on a life or death mission." If these people would stop being so self centered, maybe we would know the truth. But I think I have enough evidence to let you be the judge.

**The end! Next article, I may include a "Letters to the Editor" segment, just to let you know. Once again, thank you Metoria, and please review to let me know if you like it!**


	7. Chapter 7: Mace Windu

**Metoria came up with this one, too. So you should really thank her. **

Mace Windu: Wax or Shave?

All of us know Mace Windu as the esteemed Jedi Master who sends us to our deaths on missions and yells at us. We'd know him anywhere because of the way the sun reflects off his pristine, bald cranium.

Why the bald head, I wonder. Is he actually bald? How does that perfectly hairless skull stay all shiny, like it came out of a glass cleaner advertisement? Is it a very well waxed thinker, or does he shave off all the stubble every morning, like he does with his equally spotless face? I've found the answer, of course. I suppose that's why I got this job.

"People don't wax their heads! They'd get a major headache!" Adi Gallia, whose choice of headgear is questionable.

"I don't know, I don't shave or wax. I don't even remember the last time I got a haircut," Qui-Gon exclaimed. As is girlfriend I declare that really sick.

"I've never shaved, either. My Master says I'm too young," A Padawan pouts. "I guess it would be a shave."

"I think it's a wax. There's a waxing place right down the block, and I head Windu helped raise money for it," Siri Tachi says mysteriously.

"Shave, it is. Seen stubble while sitting next to him every day, I have," Yoda confesses. It should be noted that Yoda has a Council seat next to and lower than Maces'.

"Wax? Who waxes their head? That's really stupid, if Mace did, it would look more like my head," says a now blushing Ki-Adi Mundi.

"It's a shave. There are bottles of shaving cream in his trash compactor," according to Reeft. We don't need to know how he knows that, he says.

"It's not a wax, or a shave. I'm naturally bald. It runs in the family," explains Mace Windu.

I guess that answers it. But I still want to know why that noggin shines in the sunlight. I don't think we'll ever know, as Windu just left on what will hopefully be an extremely dangerous mission.

A new section: Letter to the Editor

Dear Tahl,

Your tabloid is so hot! And so is your boyfriend! Rawr! I should know, I'm on a desert planet. It's hot here, top! I can't wait for the next issue!"

-Sandra  
Tatooine

Dear Tahl,

This is way better than the Sith Tabloid. Its all, "Bane's ghost found," and "Korriban zombies." Seriously, it's so stupid. Please keep the subscribers in the outer rim entertained.

-Darth Anonymous

Top Secret Sith Fortress

Dear Tahl,

It's so nice to hear news from home! I haven't been to the Temple in years, but I buy "Tahl's Talk" wherever I go. Please keep the news coming, these mission are boring.

-Lana

Somewhere in space

**I hope I got the letters to the editor part right. I've never really read a Tabloid before. :) Reviews would be awesome, and the 20****th**** reviewer shall get…a prize. I'm not sure what. Maybe I'll name a character after you.**


	8. Chapter 8: Adi Gallia

Adi Gallia: What is on her head?!

Adi Gallia: Regal member of the Jedi Council, watches Lost, loves Twilight, has blue eyes, and wears a mysterious, er, what is it? Animal? Plant?

You see, before I went blind, I always noticed. It appears to be a headdress, but why is she wearing it? Does she have something to hide…like a bald spot?

"It's Coruscant's latest trend, don't you know?" Siri teased. Further research proved that the latest trend is Viking helmets. (See pg. 8)

"It's a fossilized, ancient squid. I should know; I get a squid craving just thinking about it," sighs Reeft.

"It is the traditional headwear of her people," Jocasta Nu states firmly.

But who are her people, exactly? Is she an actress in some phenomenal sci-fi holovid and they want her to look like an alien? What if she is a gang leader and that is their symbol?

"Firstly, I think Madame Nu means her homies, you know, like friends. Secondly, I think she left her hair curlers in there too long, and someone spilled a lab chemical on them, and they mutated into that," Garen Muln says matter-of-factly.

"Lemme tell you," Obi-Wan whispered in a most Sith-like fashion, "She and Fisto are very…close. She shows that to show her loyalty to his tentacle species.

"Adi and I do nothing of the sort!" Kit Fisto gasped in horror.

"She carries around cocktail sauce in the folds of her robes. They're giant shrimp, that thing on her head," Qui-Gon spilled.

"It's a ceremonial headdress. I'm very ceremonial," Adi Gallia confesses at the Annual Youngling Paper Plate Award Ceremony. She even took her headdress off to show me her hair. Talk about a bad hair day.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Tahl,

Quit this gossip or I'm not taking you to the astromath fair. Final warning.

With Love,

Qui-Gon; Coruscant

Dear Tahl,

Being a sleazy taxi driver, I have never heard such sleazy gossip from a Jedi. Keep up the good work.

Norbit

The Sleazy Taxi Co.

Dear Tahl,

This is giving me a whole new look into the Jedi life and culture and everything! I buy this tabloid every week! Miss Tahl you are a truly talented woman and Jedi! More please! Then I can gossip about it to my senator friends!

The Chancellor

Dear Tahl,

As Siri Tachi's rival, I strongly advise you to look into her personal life. Your tabloid rocks.

Jessy

Jedi Temple, Coruscant

**The second to last letter to the editor was something Metoria suggested. And the entire idea was Metorias…wow. Genius. Anywho, the review button is such a wonderful little button. It is also my favorite button. Please click on my favorite button. :)**


	9. Chapter 9: Jedi High Council

**I don't own Jedi Apprentice. Or the song Love Drunk by Boys Like Girls, which I listened to over and over again while typing this, so it's why I'm in such a good mood. Best. Song. Ever.**

…**And I came up with this chapter by myself. Except for the Letter to the Editor, they are Meteorias.  
**

An Inside Look at the Jedi High Council!

The Jedi Council; a Padawan's biggest fear, a Knight's biggest dream, and a Master's biggest friend. There task is simple; make decisions to send us on missions that leave us wounded, blinded, or even dead.

Why don't they get out of those prissy little chairs and deal with the galaxy's problems themselves? Most of the time they're just sitting around in their temperature controlled dome…doing what?

"Discussing top secret information not even the Senate knows," a Youngling whispers.

"Gossip about us Padawans," Garen Muln huffs.

"Plan the lunch menu," Reeft says hopefully.

"I'm sure they take care of official business; signing autographs and such." says Didi Oddo of Didi's café.

"Make fun of Qui-Gon!" Obi-Wan laughs.

"Plot a full Jedi Takeover of the Republic!" Senator Palpatine says.

"They shave Mace's head!" Kit Fisto insists.

"Sabacc. They play sabacc. Now go away," Qui-Gon grumbles.

After all these educated guesses, I interviewed a few of the Council members.

"We make decisions and prioritize missions," Mace Windu reports.

"_I _print out the mission waivers," Adi Gallia boasts.

"Help the needs of the Republic and Jedi, we do," Yoda says.

"I am in charge of the chore list. This week Mace has to clean the private bathroom," Plo Koon snickers.

"I like debating. No, I like assignments. Well, I suppose I like debating more…" debates Depa Billaba.

There you have it, your inside look at the Jedi Council! They are like any other leadership, they debate, take responsibility, and have a private bathroom.

Letter to the Editor:

Dear Tahl,

This is a bit delayed, but yeah…Qui-Gon is a hippie and very susceptible to heartbreak. Don't break his heart.

-Astri

Coruscant

Dear Tahl,

Garen and Obi-Wan are actually twin brothers I'm just not supposed to tell you.

-Anonymous

Jedi High Council, Coruscant

Dear Tahl,

Yeah! That Kenobi is such a Sith! He tried to kill me! And All I was doing was my job!

-Ona Nobis

**Ya know, you should really read this stuff in bold. Sometimes I have important stuff to say that you want to hear, like XYZ, or that if you review you can request a character to be interviewed, written about, or even suggest a letter to the editor!**

**Oh, and I know I told some of you that there was going to be one where Qui-Gon takes over…still planned, but it's delayed. Sorry!**


	10. Chapter 10: Hijacked!

**Ai Wow…I haven't updated in so long. And I'm sorry! Writer's block got me, then school came along, and I have to focus on the evil world of algebra and Earth/Space Science if I want to make it to high school. And then one weekend, I was trying to figure out what to update…and this came into my head. I hadn't planned to update for a while, actually, and I'm not sure where I'm going with this chapter, so cut me some slack if it stinks, plzkthx. :D**

**I don't own Jedi Apprentice. Seriously, don't people know that? Why put a disclaimer, when everyone can assume I'm so irresponsible I can't be trusted with my own homework, let alone the entire Jedi Apprentice fandom!**

Hijacked!

Greeting galactic civilians! And if you happen to be from out of the galaxy, hello, too! Just check in with Republic security, so we know you're not going to take over our galaxy with your biological weapons of mass destruction. This is Qui-Gon Jinn here, filling in for Tahl, as she is on a mission in the outer rim and should be gone for a few months. I figured she would want her loyal readers to be entertained while she's away, so I am here to help her out. Prepare yourself for the shocking stories of those who are victim to Tahl's interrogations. Yes, the _real _inside scoop behind the inside scoop.

Here we shall start with the opinions of every being Tahl has interviewed:

Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "I was really mad the first few weeks, when the gossip was fresh. Everyone kept staring at me like they expected my eyes to turn red and I would suddenly start screaming out threats. But later on, the girls started to think my status as a bad boy Padawan was cool. I could say I owe Tahl a thank you, but the crowds of screaming fangirls do get annoying."

Xanatos: N/A

Bant Eerin says, "No way did Tahl's article do me any good. Anytime they have seafood in the cafeteria, guess who is the topic of the night's jokes! And now no one will even listen to my dolphin story. I'm telling you, my great, great, great, great, (etc, etc, cost too much ink to print the rest) grandfather was a dolphin."

I, Qui-Gon Jinn, say, "I strongly oppose our relationship being revealed the media for judgment. After all, flowers aren't manly! And I am by far not a hippie. Look at Cin Draillg or even Master Windu if you want a hippie. But not me. Peace out."

Yoda says, "No one messes with a T-Rex, even if they are unsure. Pleased, I am, by this outcome."

Garen Muln ponders, "Obi-Wan's a nice guy. He and I are close friends. But taking our friendship to the extremes and saying we are brothers? It sounds strange. Consider this, Tahl. You and Qui-Gon are good friends, correct? You are also the same age. Does that mean you are dating your brother?"

Mace Windu says, "Tahl is so immature. I remember when she was still an older Youngling and she wasn't potty trained. And now this; I bet it is because of her immaturity. Why even wonder about my hair? How about she takes into the account I am a member of the Jedi Council?"

Adi Gallia says, "For a Jedi Librarian, she doesn't know much about anything, or else she would not have this tabloid. She could have done her research before launching such an investigation. Of course, she must be restless, being stuck inside the Temple for most of her years and suffering from blindness. I just wish she hadn't chosen me to question! It's a headdress, not an octopus!" (Note: Tahl seems to have an obsession with sea creatures.)

The Jedi High Council has already voiced their opinion by sending Tahl off on a mission far, far away…

That concludes this issue. I hope Tahl appreciates the new, er, insight on her work. Not all of us like to talk via Letter to the Editor. But for those who do, here is what they say:

--

Tahl,

Hi…er, I heard about your boyfriend, and first of all, just saying, dump him. He seems so…shaggy, and…I don't know…maverick? Play it safe and stick with the nice boys. After when you're done with him, can you please send him to Ord Vaxal? I know someone who would like to meet him…you know, completely casual. Well, thanks!

-Aliana

Ord Vaxal

Qui-Gon,

If you're reading this, it's because you've taken over my tabloid. I suggest you stop, if you want to keep that beard of yours…

-Tahl

Tahl,

I love your tabloid. I saw Yoda on a once, I was like, "Oh my gosh, it's the T-Rex!" And then I spilled my caf all over him. His garments cost a lot to dry clean…

-Senatorial Aid

Coruscant.

**Well…that's it. I'm not out of ideas, I just have a bunch of undeveloped ones. I should update…soon? I hope I do, but only if time allows.**

**Reviews make me the happiest kitten this galaxy shall ever know.**


	11. Chapter 11: Siri Tachi

**I actually wrote this chapter a while back… yeah, you all will kill me because I've been promising it forever. I just forgot about it, mmkay?**

**Siri Tachi:**

Siri Tachi, age fourteen and Padawan of Adi Gallia, has been seen flirting with a certain boy lately. Not Qui-Gon, thank the force, but Obi-Wan, the evil Sith.

Well, who can blame her? He's got nice blue eyes (so does Qui-Gon), muscles, (so does Qui-Gon) and a supposedly loving and caring nature (so does Qui-Gon. I sense a trend…). And girls have had crushes on Obi-Wan ever since he came to the Temple.

Conflicting evidence has risen regarding the matter. Some deny it, but others agree that Siri and Obi-Wan have feelings for each other.

"He gave her a kiss on the cheek for her fourteenth birthday. I saw it myself!" Whispers Bant the dolphin, friend of Obi-Wan.

"Aw man, Siri likes Obi-Wan! Not fair!" Moaned Garen Muln. "Of course they like each other, why wouldn't she? Why would she like a guy like me?"

"In lightsaber class they always practice together. They are like the undefeatable duo," Says Cin Draillg, Obi-Wan and Siri's lightsaber instructor.

"He shares his dessert with her. He always used to give it to me," pouts Reeft.

Now the masters of the two Padawans in question give their opinion.

"Obi-Wan told me he thought girls had cooties!" Qui-Gon said in shock.

"Siri says boys are jerks!" Adi Gallia exclaimed.

And now Obi-Wan and Siri themselves voice their opinion:

"Girls have cooties!" Obi-Wan insisted.

"Boys are jerks!" Siri said, making a face.

Well, there you have it. I can't say whether or not Obi-Wan and Siri have feelings for each other. There is conflicting evidence, so you make the call.

Letter to the Editor:

Unavailable this issue due to an excessive amount of ushy, gushy, fall-on-your-feet-and-beg-to-marry-me fanmail for Qui-Gon Jinn. This disgusted the messaging system so much it decided to kill itself. Therefore, until we get a new computer, no letters shall be received.

**If you're at the bottom of the page, you probably have read the story, so…review!  
And thanks for reading. You will find the review button right below this.**


	12. Chapter 12: SAFHPBMOR

**Just to warn you, this chapter is a little… strange, I guess is the word for it. There's a comment about shoe-throwing, if you get where I'm going with this… don't you hate mild writer's block? 'Cause this is all I could come up with when I wrote this.**

Every distinguished Jedi Knight is sure to turn out for the event of the New Year- the Senate's Annual Fundraiser to Help Poor Blokes on Miserable Outer Rim Planets. (SAFHPBMOR) Tonight I shall be interviewing the folks as they come down the hall to the dinner's main room.

To join me in the interview is my escort, Qui-Gon Jinn.

First down the hall is Grand Jedi Master Yoda and his date, Jedi Master Yaddle. Yoda is wearing a custom-made tuxedo, and Yaddle a glittery black dress that is not age-appropriate.

"Welcome, Masters. Yaddle, where _did _you get that… wonderful dress?" I asked.

"In the back of my closet, it was. From my Muppet days, it is," Yaddle replied.

"We can tell," Qui-Gon muttered, trying hard not to stare at Yaddle. The geezers ignored him as they slowly shuffled away.

Next came Obi-Wan Kenobi and his date, Adi Gallia.

"Adi?" I shrieked.

"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon roared. "What did I tell you about older women?"

"That they like settling down and expensive face lifts," Obi-Wan grumbled, still keeping his arm linked around Adi's. This made me frown, because I am older than Qui-Gon by a few months.

"…And how has your relationship been so far?" I asked.

Adi looked dumbfounded. "What relationship? He does just hear to shield me from any flying shoes someone may choose to fling."

"Alright, then," I said cautiously. "Have a great night."

Slouching in right behind them were Siri Tachi and Garen Muln. Garen wore a silver suit coat and leggings- like all the holonet stars-but his fake mohawk looked like a tornado had skimmed it. It was _awful. _(See page 14.) Siri wore an elegant red dress and jacket.

"You two back together?" Qui-Gon cheerfully asked.

"Yuh-huh," Garen grumbled.

"Sure," Siri yawned.

"Can we go now?" Garen begged.

"Sure," I replied, mimicking Siri. "And best wishes to the happy couple." Garen gave me the peace sign and dragged Siri away.

Striding in like the Queen of Naboo were once again Adi Gallia with… Mace Windu!

"Adi? I thought you were with Obi-Wan," I remarked.

"I am. I'm on a… double date, I guess it's called," Adi explained. "See, Mace asked me, and since I really don't like Obi-Wan, I figured I would sneak away every now in than to be with my other date."

At that, Qui-Gon muttered a string of expletives about Adi cheating on Obi-Wan. It got us kicked out of the Senate building, and the rest of the night was history, as far as we know.

Letters to the editor:

Dear Tahl,

Oh, I really hope you continue with your tabloid! Please, elaborate on Yaddle's dress! Include pictures!

--Yodel

Dear Tahl,

Yodel, again. Do you mind frequently updating us on Yaddle's relationship with Yoda? As a rare species, I like to stay informed on breeding and such.

--Yodel

**Do you want me to continue this report on the SAFHPBMOR? Or Just move on, 'cause Tahl hasn't gotten revenge on Qui-Gon? **

**---Just a little more begging: If anyone is interested in writing something, please come to my contest forum! I love story challenges! But they aren't that challenging with only 2/3 people. -_-  
**

**Review button,**

**Review button,**

**The sound of your click is so…**

**Smuttin?**


	13. Chapter 13: SAFHPBMOR Part 2

**Well, I had a really kick-ass version of this chappie typed on my old computer, but since I wasn't supposed to be typing fanfics I didn't bother to tell my Dad that I needed the fic transferred. So I shall just have to start from scratch.**

SAFHPBMOR Part 2

After the well muscled, buff Senate guards dragged us out of the fundraiser and left us on the street, Qui-Gon and I knew we had to get back in; for the sake of my loyal readers. Therefore, it was time to go to a bar.

See, we know a bar where you can get _anything- _even SAFHBMOR tickets- for a price. So we caught an air taxi down to the lower levels and had a drink or two. Qui-Gon forbids me to talk about what went on there, but I'll say that someone is really hot when they are drunk. Rawr.

So, we finally got our tickets. Force persuasion and Mandalornian wine works really well. Then we bought new clothes, because our interviewing outfits aren't nearly as fancy as the guests outfits were. But now they are. (For pictures, see page 30)

Anyway, either those tickets were really, really authentic; or Senate security was too drunk from partying to notice when we strolled on in.

Boy, was it a scene. We'll start from the beginning.

A now heartbroken Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "I cannot believe she cheated on me! Qui-Gon is right; never trust women. Worse than that, I've got a bruise from the shoe throwing. Five inch heels should be illegal!"

Adi Gallia remarks, "Obi-Wan has to get over himself. Why doesn't he go flirt with Siri? She's always staring at him. Otherwise, I'm very content with my Macey Wacey."

Mace Windu "Macey Wacey" comments, "I try to keep my job out of my social life, but Adi just captivates me! We're sooooooo in love!"

A note: It was clear that, at the time, Windu and Gallia had drunk three bottles of wine between the two of them. More evidence of this? They were caught snogging in the girl's bathroom… lots of snogging…

Yoda and Yaddle simultaneously announce, "Getting our groove on, we are!" With this, they proceeded to crank up the tunes and boogie with their chiropractors close by.

Another note: If you were present at this event and ended up in therapy after seeing the elderly couple dancing, please consider sending us your doctor bills. We will pay them!

Garen Muln was too cool eating those little pouches of fruit flavored powder that are supposed to go in drinks to comment.

Siri Tachi was gossiping with her girlfriends when we approached her. "Did you hear? Kenobi and Gallia broke up!" She squealed. "Garen is being a big looser right now." With that, she skipped off to flirt with Obi-Wan, a crowd of girls trailing behind her.

More coverage on Obi-Wan and Siri: Siri comes on as an aggressive flirt. Apparently she was a bit too excited, and that got her friends excited, and it turned into a mad stampede where every girl wanted to dance with Obi-Wan, talk to Obi-Wan, catch a glimpse of Obi-Wan… well, you get it. Overall, I think Obi-Wan had a wild night.

Qui-Gon thought it would be funny to sneak off during this ordeal and snap a few pictures of Yoda and Yaddle dancing. Senate security confiscated the photos, claiming them to be a threat to society.

***wipes brow* That was hard to write. Up next, while Tahl is waiting for the right moment to reveal Qui-Gon's secret… an article on Cin Drailg! *squeals***

**Alright, this fic is almost to the 50 review mark. (YES!) Don't think reviews are all that matter, 'cause they're not, but it's so exciting to realize that approximately 50 people are reading your story.**

**The 50****th**** reviewer gets glory, honour, fame, a pizza par-tay with a dozen friends, a shout out, and you'll have to just review to know the other prize. :)**

**51****st**** reviewer (if this chapter gets it their) gets glory, honour, fame, etc. along with a virtual cookie!**

**52****nd**** reviewer (If there is a 52****nd**** reviewer)… is going to be very happy. That's all I'm saying. :)**


	14. Chapter 14: Cin Drallig

So we all know Cin Drallig, aka "The Troll' aka, "That guy with the lightsaber- yeah, him!" He teaches all of the kids the basics of sparring, etc. Sounds pretty wicked.

However, the most recent polls show that this dashing Master's popularity has plummeted over the last six months. Sixty percent of students claim they would rather be trained by Har Har Sinks, the clumsy gungan Knight. Twenty percent are fonder of Yoda's speech impairments and fancy flips. Fifteen percent voted for other, and the other five percent voted Cin Drallig the best instructor. In last year's polls, his popularity was more than triple what it is today.

What has gone wrong? Why is sparring suddenly the loathing of all his students?

"This year he made us act like real peace keeping warriors. That means no potty breaks or snack time," spills a six year old youngling.

"It may have something to do with the fact that he's single," ponders Siri Tachi. "It does make men grumpy, you know."

"I think it's because he's pretty old, and his arthritic limbs are starting to go," smirks Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"It's 'cause he hates dolphins, isn't it?" Accuses the ever-accusing Bant Eerin.

"Like Kenobi said, he is getting pretty old," mulls Garen Muln. "I bet if a bunch of soldiers led by an ex-Jedi stormed into the Temple, he would be sliced in half like a toothpick!"

"I hear he has changed his teaching style, but when he taught me he let us pick our lightsaber crystal colors," says a former student.

"He has starting assigning homework; lots of it. We have homework out the wazoo! We're always practicing our techniques- but now we must write five page essays!" Fumes Reeft.

"Rumors say he's really a Sith. He wants our Padawans to be completely unprepared," Qui-Gon Jinn reveals.

"It's because kids these days have no respect! They must respect the blade, not treat it like a stick! And color _doesn't matter! _Neither does a bursting bladder! And what is _with _all that fancy erratic Juyo/Vaapad junk? No Jedi can expect to fight with _that_!" Cin himself rants.

There it is! Cin confesses the reason for all his treachery! But he is blaming… the students! No matter how factual he claims his claims to be, he really should examine his own actions.

Dear Tahl,

No comment on my previous requests, hm? A devoted reader, I shall continue to be.

-Yodel

Dear Tahl,

You tabloid has really made our stay in this galaxy worthwhile! Perhaps we shall spare you planet…"

-A Yhuzzan Vong

UP NEXT: Qui-Gon's dirty little secret!

**That's it for this issue. Now, I believe the thank yous are in order, 'cause we made it above and beyond 50 reviews! :O Epic.**

**The 48****th**** reviewer, Metoria; who didn't get any review in the 50s, but is probably the secret to success behind this fic. Well, she's give me a lot of ideas, and I've used most of them, methinks.**

**Also- Xaja Silversheen- another awesome reviewer- has helped with this fic some! Ayup! Psst… read her sequel to her "Hiccups" fic.**

**Feeding-the-Wolves-yet another brilliant reviewer, who was also the 50****th****! (launches fireworks) She is really good with zeh humor fics.**

**The Tenth Bright Shiner- 51****st**** reviewer- meh. Unless you read the Old Kingdom Trilogy, pay no attention to her. :P**

**Neptune's Violin- 52****nd**** reviewer- She has good taste in what she reads, no? Expect an article inspired by her a few chapters from now.**

**That's it. You guys are awesome! And those who have just been lurking and reading this whole time… I watching you. *narrows eyes* Yeah. Go ahead lurking, I don't really care.**


	15. Chapter 15: Revenge, sweet revenge

**Hey people! Guess what? There's a blizzard outside. About 24 inches. I've never seen that much snow in my life; really. Wewt! If this isn't updated in a week or two, you know why. **

You've all waited for this day for months. The day when, at last, I have revenge. But more importantly, you have the scoop! I have _finally _uncovered the biggest scandal of the decade.

But you are probably bursting to know what I could possibly be talking about. What would the great Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn do? The same Qui-Gon Jinn is one of the top candidates for the Jedi Council, a teacher, _and _a part time model.

Yes; the very same.

Qui-Gon Jinn… wears a thong. I repeat; a _thong._

What does the civilized world have to say about this?

"I… really, really didn't need that mental image," Garen Muln whimpers, his eyes glazed in horror.

"Laugh, did you? Wear a thong in my golden days, I did! A sense of pride, it gives," Yoda haughtily informs us.

"My Master… ohforceohforceohforce…" Obi-Wan Kenobi gasps in the middle of a very violent conniption.

"I always knew he was special," Mace cackled evily.

"A thong? Tee hee, ew," Siri giggles.

"Moron," Bant rolls her eyes. "For someone so in touch with the living force, he sure doesn't seem to care about leaving our memories pure and full of happy bunnies. _Not _full of the whole "Qui-Gon wears a thong" idea."

"Still as creepy as he was at sixteen," Clee Rhara sighs. I still don't know what she was talking about.

"Really, what a strange young man. Maverick indeed," Jocasta Nu remarks in disgust.

There were several other people interviewed, but I couldn't understand a word they said through the hysterical laughter and tears.

Finally, Adi Gallia."And how do _you _know this, Tahl?"

Funny she should ask that. See, I was selling balloon animals- my part time job. Then this kid walks up to me and demands a bantha. And I'm like, "Look, kid. I do worms. I can make you a worm family, sound good?"

Never underestimate the power of a dozen toddlers. The next thing I know I was bound and gagged, in a bathroom. It felt really hot and steamy…

I realized that someone was in the shower, singing Lady La La's latest song, "Joker Pace." That was… really awkward. Darn kids.

So, I managed to get my hands free. That was a relief. I stood, and that was when I decided to look on the floor…

And there it was. A thong.

The showeree (Yes, it is a real word) had stopped singing. They must have realized I was there. Gathering the shower curtain around himself, Qui-Gon poked his shampooed head out. We both screamed. I took the door off its hinges in my desperation to escape. I later payed for the damage with Qui-Gon's money.

But as I flung the door into the air and ran, Qui-Gon was left 'au naturel' to the outside world.

Really, that's how I know! Ask Jinn if you don't believe me!

Dear Tahl,

Clumsy master, I am Meesa offended!

-Har Har Sinks

**Once again, I thank Meteoria for giving me the thong idea, and the idea for how Tahl discovered it.**

**Psst… before I beg you to review… I beg you to take the poll on my profile. It would really help me out. Kthx.**

**And now, I beg thee to review? What if I told you that you could win fabulous prizes by doing so?**

**(Not.)**

**Anyone who just scrambled to review after reading that sentence fails.**


	16. Chapter 16: All About moi!

**Two chappies in two days? I'm on a role. This was requested by Neptune's Violin. If you want to hear more about a character, just send in a request!**

Tahl: All about me!

A strange request came from one of my loyal readers. This is what they said.

Dear Tahl,

Why don't you write an article about yourself? We would all love to read it.

-Anonymous

This got me thinking. My readers do so much for me. I shall pay you all back- with an article about me, myself, and I! You're sure to love it, right?

Greetings. I am Tahl. I am a Noorian from the planet Noori. I am a Jedi, and I'm also blind. I'm in a happy relationship with Qui-Gon Jinn. I'm the Master of an apprentice who smells like tuna. Oh, I'm also the creator of Tahl's Talk: A Jedi Apprentice Tabloid.

Initially, that right there was all I planned to write. But that seemed a bit dull, don't you agree? So I decided to do some interrogating. What do others think of me?

"You're cute when you're not gossiping," Qui-Gon grumbles endearingly.

"A bright student, you are," Yoda sagely nods.

"You're brilliant and perfect and hilarious," Obi-Wan gushes. He randomly adds, "And did you know today is Opposite Day?" No, Obi-Wan! I didn't know that; thanks! Socks on your head, people.

"I'm always grateful that you never comment on my fishy smell. Thank you," Bant sincerely says before this issue was released to the public.

"You are one of a kind, Tahl," Clee grins in this kind of evil, creepy grin. "Just… one of a kind."

"You're kind of pretty," Garen blushes. Aw, Garen. Don't let those dorky teenage hormones get in your way.

"Garen does _not _mean that!" Siri explodes. "No, Tahl! You are _not pretty._" I guess she's just jealous. I'm used to that.

"You've changed the Jedi Order," Mace smiles. He looked a bit pained as he said, "What would we do without you?"

See? Everyone loves me. Word.

Dear Tahl,

Marry me?

XOXO,

Robbert Fattersin

Dear Robert,

In your dreams,

All my hate,

Tahl

Dear Tahl,

Tell me the status of Yoda and Yaddle's relationship, you must!

-Yodel

**Next up: A very angsty Valentine's Day. :'(**

**Reviews are always appreciated. **


	17. Chapter 17: AdiGon?

Dear readers, this is Siri Tachi; guest writer for Tahl. I offered to take over this month's issue because… something has happened; I'm just not entirely sure what. See, Tahl has kept to her room for the past week eating Len and Larry's ice cream by the gallon. This is hard for all of us, especially since she is depressed so close to Valentine's Day, a day when lovers are supposed to prove their loyalty and devotion-

Never mind. I'm not going to bore you to tears with stupid, empty words. I'm also not going to talk about it because I know Tahl will be reading this and I don't want to inflict more pain on her delicate heart when it has already been shattered and betrayed and stood up and dumped and-

Oops. I can see I'm not helping. Plus, my suspicion has already been released. I talk too much, and I'm new to this Tabloid writing.

So let's cut to the chase. I've complied evidence that proves that Qui-Gon dumped Tahl and is already back in the game dating Jedi Master Adi Gallia! What does the galaxy have to say about_ this?_

"We were so happy- waaaaah- and I thought we'd have more time together- sniff- why hiiim?" Tahl wails.

"Really? They're going out? Guys get over this stuff fast. Besides, there are lots of other ladies out there. Tahl's got to learn she's not exclusively his." Garen spills. That's cold, Garen. Expect to stay single when the girls get a whiff of that attitude.

"I liked Tahl a lot better; I'm gonna miss her coming over with chips and dip and watching the podraces on the 'net with us," Obi-Wan says wistfully. "Adi… she's gonna ruin the masculinity of our apartment! I mean- she already put throw pillows in the Council room!"

"My poor Master won't talk to anyone! I'm really worried! Qui-Gon is evil!" Bant frets.

"Uninvolved in Qui-Gon's private life, I try to be," Yoda grunts. In a lower voice he adds, "seen them kissing in the elevator, I did! An icky sight, it was! Or was that Mace and his broad shouldered girlfriend? My eyes, they grow old…"

"Ooh, yes! Long walks in the garden, swims in the lake, watching the sunset- they're in love!" A mysterious eyewitness recounts.

"He's dating… the girl with fish for hair?" Reeft demanded. "Good taste."

"Bleep tweet blip woo-hoo!" A Temple droid whistled. Translation? That is one stinky couple! Well, I could be wrong. I'm not that fluent in astromech droid.

And now, Adi Gallia. "Oh! Um… Jinn is so romantic and sweet. We couldn't be happier!" She squeals.

"I… wasn't aware we were dating," A puzzled Qui-Gon reports.

Yeah, right. Like anyone believes _that, _Jinn. How dare you even say that? We've got the proof. True, the pictures are a _little _blurry, but who else could it be? Mace and his broad shouldered girlfriend? I think not. No, AdiGon is definitely forever.

Let us remember the victim here- Tahl. I doubt she will have moved on by the time of the next issue, but maybe her strong will can give her the strength to write. This is Siri Tachi, signing off.

No letters to the editor this time; Tahl changed the computer's password from, "QUIGGY" (obvious) to something difficult I can't de-code. So I can't get to the letters. Sorry, folks!

**Aw, poor Tahl. But did Siri, our amateur reporter, do a good job? Please review!**


	18. Chapter 18: Special Podracing Edition

**Hi, people! Guess what! TWO new additions this issue. And guess what else? Well, it doesn't really pertain to this, but I was thinking about how this is becoming more and more like a real tabloid, so it should really be in that format. Maybe this summer, I'll work on getting it all spiffied up and create a website where I can post it with color and pictures and stuff. But I'm not **_**that **_**good with computers, so it may take some time. In the meantime, I'm creating an offline version of this out of construction paper for the enjoyment of my fellow Star Wars family and friends. :)**

**I'm Back!**

Hello again, readers. Contrary to popular belief, Siri did an _awful_ job on last issue. Well, she did a great job entertaining you with an engaging article on my love life. But she was wrong; Qui-Gon and I are still together!

Think about it. Siri's claims were vague. And, being a rookie, she jumped to conclusions and dressed up the article so it looked truthful.

So why, you ask, was I so upset last time? My dear mini goober fish, Lassie, died. I really don't want to talk about it. After wreathing his scaly head in flowers and bathing him in perfume... I was beyond grief. I didn't want to tell anyone, so they assumed the very worst.

And now, on to the issue of this issue. I've decided to take a break from the norm and do a special edition for today. That means I'm not interviewing the same, boring old Jedi again. I'm going out around town-well out to Tatooine, that is- to interview some of the best from the galaxy's most popular and dangerous sport; podracing!

"Lover's Day, eh? I uh, I'm all set," one time champion sebulba says, gesturing to his twi'lek masseuses.

"This is my life," Ben Quadrinaros says, patting his racer. "It gets waxed bi-weekly. Now you're saying I need to buy it flowers?"

"I'll be at the bar this weekend," A Trandoshan pouts. He flexes his scaly muscles. "Unless you'd join me for dinner."

"I've got a wife back home. I bought her this. Do you think she will like it?" A rodian asks, holding up a ball of slime. Apparently it's some sort to delicacy.

"I am betting heavily that Quadrinaros will bet his pod away today," A toydarian named Watto bets.

"Don't remind me," A tough looking hutt bawls his eyes out. "I miss Gardulaaaaaaaa!"

After this I was forced to scurry off planet before his thugs hunted me down for insulting His Royal Smelliness.

Two new additions coming this issue; horoscopes and advertisements! Ads, because… well, hard times have hit the economy, and it's getting more expensive to print each issue. A few ads should help out, right? And there will be horoscopes, because…. I have taken up meditation with Master Yoda, and I can see the future! Alas, I won't be doing many horoscopes, and not each one of the signs every week, because… my inner eye shall tire.

**Letters to the Editor:**

Dear Tahl,  
Siri did a great job- her article seemed so accurate! Maybe you should let her take it over- permanently!  
-Adi Gallia

Dear Tahl,  
This is Temple security. We thought you would like to know that those pictures that were taken from our turbolift security cams were really Mace and his broad shouldered girlfriend.  
Toodles,  
Gal Han of Temple Security

**Advertisements:**

WANTED: Players for the Jedi Apprentice RP "Roleplay, Anybody?" Easy and fun; just follow one simple rule! "Roleplay, Anybody? Has changed my life!" And excited Xaja screams. "Join now, or I'll scream at you more!"

NEW hair removal formula- by Windu hair removal formulas, INC. Want to rid yourself of that annoying mane of lush, lovely hair? Want to be ready in time for April Fool's? Call now and we'll double our offer to include an extra bottle for that special someone!

**Horoscopes:**

Pisces: Watch out for fish with eyes like yours. Otherwise, enjoy the next 7 days!  
Leo: Schedule a brain surgery; a green troll is going to show you something. You'll find out what soon enough.  
Virgo: You will get very, very lucky. A treasure shall appear in your immediate vicinity in the next 24 hours.

**The ad about the RP? It's real. Come join us, we won't hurt you… *maniacal laughter*  
About the horoscopes- I wrote them because my friend, RoMythe, is writing a new fic about horoscopes, and it involves this Tabloid (a little)! So… if you're looking for a funny fic, I suggest you check it out whenever she posts it!**

**Other than that, review! There's so much to comment on isn't there? I'm so sorry the article-part itself was so short. If you have an idea for an ad, a letter to the editor, or an article, I'd love to hear it!**

**RoMythe: I hope I got the horoscopes right. Right?**


	19. Chapter 19: Reeft

**Hi! I am sorry it took me so long to update. I've had writers block for this fic. But today, as I studied children's songs for my Spanish class, I had a stroke of genius and started to write.**

Good day, loyal readers!

How are your New Year's Resolutions coming along? If you resolved to give up anything vaguely unhealthy, read on! This issue shall help put you and your fab body into perspective!

I just have to wonder how Reeft can be so passionate about food. Staple food for Jedi? Protein cubes and preserved rations. Yuck.

So what fuels Reeft's obsession with food? Can his comrades help me find out?

"Ever since I've known him, he's been eating. In fact, we became best friends when I offered him my grub worm soup. I think he must have had a nightmare about starvation as a baby, and now he depends on food," Obi-Wan Kenobi says very, very seriously.

"It's like a security blanket. He's in his comfort zone when he's eating," Bant Eerin, another one of Reeft's close friends, says. When I told her to explain, she said, "Qui-Gon is your security blanket, right? You say he's so fine and, er, cuddly? Well Reeft is most comfortable around food." Very insightful, young Bant. But not even chocolate cake can be as yummy as Quiggy.

"Perhaps his high metabolism demands it. He is full of energy, after all," Jocasta Nu theorizes. On a different note, she adds, "but maybe he is just cooky."

"I bet he eats so much to fill a hole in his heart. Perhaps to heal a wound left by a long lost love. Oh, the poor boy," Clee Rhara's eyes fill with tears.

"Men like food! You don't question that! Good food, like steak and ribs!" Garen Muln roars, holding up his "I heart strawberry shortcake" shirt.

"Maybe he eats so much to dissuade fangirls," Qui-Gon burps as he wolfs down a loaded sandwich. It was so hot.

"A troubled boy, he is. Clouded by cotton candy, his future is," Yoda says sadly.

"Um... I like pie!" A Youngling volunteers.

Now we ask the one and only Reeft why he eats so much. "It's so darn good!" He exclaims through a mouthful of casserole.

Well, I suppose Reeft can eat as much as he wants, now that we know he isn't psycho.

Letters to the Editor:

Dear Tahl,  
You never called me after our interview! Want to reschedule the date?  
-Your Trandoshan Pordracer  
Tatooine

Dear Tahl,  
No need to worry about that trandoshan, honey. I took care of him.  
Love,  
Qui-Gon

Dear Tahl (and Qui-Gon),  
That was MY boyfriend you beat up, Qui-Gon! You broke the arms of a podracing prodigy-for shame! No hard feelings, though. Talk to ya soon, Qui?"  
XOXO,  
Veela.

**Advertisements **

~FREE~ Ice fishing shack! Spend some time with your pal on an ice planet! Catch a tasty lunch... in the dark! Stay nice and warm in close quarters- no glowrods or candles required- day AND night! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the intimacy of ice fishing!

~NEW~ You've read the news, you've gotten the scoop-now go behind the scenes of the top selling Tabloid in "Behind The Scenes of Tahl's Tabloid!" Written by a close friend and confidant of moi! You won't read Tahl's Talk the same way again! In stores now!

**Horoscopes  
** Gemini- cotton candy is in your  
future...  
Virgo- an innocent one, you remain.  
Leo- you will take your girlfriend out dancing tonight. Then you will ask for her hand in marriage. And she will turn you down, because she likes playing hard to get.

--

**That's it for now, people! 80 reviews would just make my day and help me get through the standardized tests I have this week… (hint, hint) By zeh way, Metoria is actually writing the Behind the Scenes fic. :D **


	20. Chapter 20: Clee Rhara

**Hi! You all are awesome, ya know that? And if I don't update before the 17****th,**** (most likely because I've started over achieving during school again) …Happy St. Patrick's Day! **

Clee Rhara

We start off this issue with just one question. Really quick. What do you think of women with red hair?

"So hot," Qui-Gon drools.

"Babes!" Mace cries.

"Very cute," Cin agrees.

"Babes!" Garen repeats Mace.

After I got past the… emotional pain of one of those responses, I settled down to think. I think I know only one red-head. The bright and charismatic Clee Rhara!

I remember she was pretty, without being one of _those _women, you know. And I'm not saying anyone with red hair is. But after the responses I got in my brief poll above, I think they all have a pretty good chance at getting guys. And I just had to wonder: is red hair something all guys look for in a girl? And to the male Jedi I question, I have a bigger inquiry: Would you date Clee Rhara?

"If you're talking about Aurra Sing, no, but otherwise, they're gorgeous," Jango Fett, a young bounty hunter trying to make his way in the universe, says while cuddling with his changeling girlfriend by the name of Zam. She immediately changed her hair brick red.

"Clee? Well, she's out of my league," Obi-Wan says, doing a hair flip. "I mean, below my league."

"Don't cha wish your Master was hot like mine?" Garen jeered in a sing-song voice, much to the annoyance of others.

"I dunno, in a relationship there should only be _one _person with great hair," Cin says haughtily.

"Not after what happened on Korriban!" Qui-Gon gasped.

"Hm… red hair… yes, that is fine, but red skin is better. Fetch me a red twi'lek!" Our corrupt Chancellor commands.

"Why would I want Clee? Zora and I are hunky-dory! Her hair looks like… oh, what's the face? I dunno, but awfully familiar!" says Mace, boyfriend to Qui-Gon notorious 'twin.'

"In my younger days, a 'fro, I had," Yoda informs us in his typical, off topic fashion.

"Gee, you think Clee would go with me to the "Star Heck" convention?" A geeky looking Padawan asks me.

By now I'm sure you're dying to know why I'm doing this. The truth?

"I'm hopelessly single! Tahl, help me!" Clee wailed about three days ago. I pitied my friend. I really did. So I thought this was the least I could do for her. Now she has so many options!

--Letters to the Editor—

Dear Tahl,  
As always, I read your tabloid. Such insight! What talent! I hope to meet you someday!  
Bwuahahahahaha,  
Balog  
-Apsolon

Dear Tahl,  
Thank you for sharing your tabloid with us. I have come to terms with it, and have realized you have a hobby I can't chop up with a lightsaber. Shout out to my Macey Wacey Windu!  
-Zora Antan

-- Horoscopes –

Leo: The fangirls are growing in number. They talk about your muscles on the phone and your nose via email. Be very wary.

Gemini: Your twin is really a Leo. Now shave that girlstache, hun.

Cancer: If you have red hair, I think you're gonna get a boyfriend soon (squee)!

--Advertisements—

LIVE LIKE A JEDI – A weeklong camp where you can live like a Jedi! Try our protein cubes and special rations! Meditate, spar, and make new friends! Contact Darth Hoax for details.

WANTED – Back razor. In good condition; sterilized. Preferably purple. Contact Tahl for details.

CONTEST – Vote on your favorite Jedi! Vote on your hottest Jedi! Vote on your favorite Jedi lore! Results will be posted in the Coruscant Times!

**Notes on the horoscopes: I've decided Qui-Gon and Cin are Leo. Obi's a Virgo. Zora is a Gemini (Like me!) and Clee is a Cancer (just random; popped into my head) So… maybe you understand the horoscopes a little better now.  
Also, you should stop by Metoria's forum. We're having the first ever Jedi Apprentice Awards. C'mon, y'all! It'll be fun! I'll pay for the DJ and pizza. All you gotta do is stop by!  
Also, you should review. It makes me happy. It makes me day. It makes me skip through metaphorical fields of daisies.  
Psst… I'm gonna put up another multi-chappie JA humor fic. Tahl's POV. It should be funny. Stay tuned!**


	21. Chapter 21: Mace and Bunnies

**I wrote this because my algebra teacher was going on and on and on about monomials or something, and I was bored to tears. Enjoy!  
I have an announcement that doesn't really pertain to this fic, but… I've given up fangirling over Liam Neeson. It got to be a bit much after I started having these really freaking weird dreams about him. Maybe now I'll have more time to fangirl over Qui-Gon, and no one else! :D**

The Jedi Master in question today is Mace Windu. I swear, I could make an encyclopedia- no, a series of encyclopedias- about all his secrets and scandals. As your accurate news source, I had to weed through the list of nasty breakups, mission failures, and general rumors to find the one story factually proven (My bibliography; back cover).

Mace Windu is the ambassador to Hoptania; a planet with these little animals with long ears and puff-ball rears. (For pictures, turn page.) What does he have to do with this? Litter after litter of bunnies has reduced the planet to food-deprived desert. Transport records show Mace hopped (no pun intended) on a transport and befriended them on a stopover there. His extremely delicate heart took pity on them, and ever since he has been smuggling vegetables and stuff into their system.

What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is. Turns out the Hoptanians had obtained a supply of food sometime before, and were just using Mace's food as surplus to sell off for riches! But even worse: when Mace found out, he didn't care. Now he's using REPUBLIC CREDITS to help a system not even in the Republic- oh, did I mention he gets a small salary?

"Shameful- eh! Wrong- eh! He shall taste my wrath!" Yoda takes matters into his own hands as he attempts to hobble down the hallway. Mace better walk- er, run.

Qui-Gon scrutinizes the pictures of Mace and the bunnies. "Looks like last year's spring break party."

"I won't hear anything of it!" Zora, Mace's broad shouldered girlfriend, shrieks. Wow, doesn't she sound _so interested _in him?

"Feed the hungry, clothe the peeps. The marshmallow kind, of course," Obi-Wan tries to joke. "Mace really is in the springtime spirit!"

"I knew it," Siri mutters darkly. "That's where my carrots from my garden have gone!"

"I'll be your carrot!" Garen volunteers. Whatever that means.

"A planet of bunnies, you say? Sign me up! The one place in this galaxy that men won't be hitting on me!" The somehow miserable Clee Rhara exclaims. She truly is ungrateful. She's got crowds of fanboys chasing her!

"Wait- we aren't supposed to smuggle Republic credits? It wasn't in the handbook?" Adi Gallia has a revelation.

"Lemme guess; he's also saving dolphin habitats on water worlds? He better be," Bant Eerin sniffs.

"Really, what an inaccurate account! Where do you think up these tall tales, Tahl?" An exasperated Jocasta Nu lectures. For the story behind her smelly socks (seafood storage or toe warmers???) see pg. 9.

This is what ten Jedi think of this. Shall I ask a few native Hoptonians, now?

"ZEEP! Zip zop zup ZEEP!" A young male reports.

"Zeep zeep zeep zeep zip…. ZOP!" Another argues.

"Hi, Mom," are the only two words in basic these beings seem to know.

The interrogation of Master Windu:

"I'm innocent! You're lying! My only bunny is Zora, and that's the way it's going to be! And as for Siri's stolen carrots- why don't you ask Qui-Gon about it?" He challenges. "Now leave me alone, or I'm sending Qui-Gon on a mission with Adi to _Ryloth!"_

There you have it. This is what is said. Is Mace really just getting into the swing of spring? Or is something else going on?

---Letters to the Editor---

Dear Tahl,  
Greetings. My Master has subscribed to your tabloid, so I get to read it periodically! Have you ever been to Tatooine before? I think Qui-Gon would like it. Just a hunch.  
-Shmi Skywalker  
Tatooine

Dear Tahl,  
So you're going out with my Padawan, eh? Think you can get whatever you want from him? I have news for you: STAY AWAY FROM QUI-GON. HE'S JUST A BOY. DON'T YOU DARE GO USING YOUR FEMININE TRICKS AND CHARMS ON HIM.  
Mtfbwy,  
Dooku

Dear Tahl/Dooku,  
I'm not a boy, Master. In fact, I'm not even your Padawan anymore. Go cry into your pillow if you think I'm turning into some sort of significant other. I'm not; I've already become one. And I just happen to think she is the best person in the whole galaxy. Even better than chocolate.  
-Qui-Gon  
P.S.  
See, Tahl? I do have a heart.

---Horoscopes---

Aries: Beware your elders. They come to you with Ataru and walking sticks. Wish to whip your butt, they do.

Pisces: You look like the word pieces; but very misspelled. Beware of breakables. Then you'll really be in pieces! Ha!

Leo: You'll take her to see "Swinging in the Lane" tonight. And you'll like it whether you like it or not.

---Advertisements---

COMING SOON: Jedi Dating Lab- sponsored by Tahl. Submit your profiles now! Absolutely free! We'll find you a match and pay for dinner for two- guaranteed!

BUNNIES AWARENESS MONTH: As the weather warms, come to our brief presentation about the threats these bunnies face in the galaxy- and that includes nosy reporters. Contact Master Mace Windu for details.

MISSING- Wig. Brown; fits well on the shoulders of a broad-shouldered person. Tied back in a half ponytail. Reward if found. Contact Zora Antan if found.

***noms a cookie* Now, I have a few ideas for the next chappie, but I need to know what you think. I was going to do one kinda like a Lord of the Rings spoof. Or I was going to bring in Dooku, Qui-Gon's old Master, somehow. Make a DookuXJocasta pairing or something. OR, I could do one on Jocasta's smelly socks. OR I could do one where Qui goes on a mission to Ryloth (land of the twi'lek women). So… you could always lemme know; or else I'll just randomly pick an idea. And you should review, too. Thanks!**

**Oh, and special thanks to Metoria. Thanks!  
**


	22. Chapter 22: Ryloth

**Hey, people! Hey, if you look up there by the reviews, you can see that this fic has… 108 reviews. Whoa! *starts to cry* if you had told me that so many people would be reading this little fic of mine last July…I would have laughed. But now, I see that dreams do come true. *sniffle*: D Methinks I have Reh Ankh, an anonymous reviewer, to thank for this. And if she had an account I would totally throw him/her a party and invite the entire Jedi Order with them as the guest of honor. And everyone else would be invited, too, because you all are awesome and supportive and I couldn't have done it without your ideas, feedback, and constant lols ringing through my ears to give me confidence. This is possibly the longest author's note ever, so… on with the chapter!**

They said- and then he- but I…!

Allow me to start over. My one and only love has been sent to his death! The Council has done their worst deed yet! They have sent Qui-Gon Jinn to… Ryloth! Land of the twi'leks!

The last man to go to Ryloth was… well, I can't exactly locate his name. They erased it from Archive records (scandal #2!) because it was such a disgrace to the Jedi.

So the Council- I'm sure Mace was behind it- chose one of the best men in the order. I should be proud of him; I know. But maybe Qui's Master is right- maybe he is just a boy. Suppose he ends up eloping with someone? Or worse? I- er we- will be disgraced!

"Aw, man! Why does Jinn get all the fun?" Garen whines.

"We will be disgraced. There goes the last sensible man in the Order," Adi Gallia pouts.

"I can't tell you much. But I can tell you that he packed his aftershave and chili pepper boxers," Obi-Wan says with a hint of envy. Envy that Qui-Gon is going instead of him, I mean. And that was the aftershave he used to save for me!

"I warned you, Tahl!" Mace cackled evily. "I warned you to quit prying!"

"Don't take it personally. Long distance relationships never work out; twi'leks or no twi'leks," Aayla Secura tries to sympathize.

"They sent the boy where?" Dooku splutters. He promptly stormed out to yell at someone. Probably The Council. But maybe a Youngling.

"Self control, Jinn has." Yoda assures me. "Except when it comes to hologames. And teaching. And pie. And the dark side. But freak out, you should not."

"I think I once dated a twi'lek. Or was it a really slim Hutt? There is really no difference," Kit Fisto reminds me. Aayla will be mad at him as soon as this issue is published…

"The probability of Qui-Gon Jinn still loving you after the mission is about 1,265,430 to 1," TooJay informs me.

"You mean we're rid of him?" Tears shine in Bant's eyes.

So everyone thinks he is all set to leave me and the Jedi. Dear readers, if that ever happens, I fear I will die of grief. Let us hope I-and this Tabloid-will survive.

---Letters to the Editor---

Dear Tahl,  
Ryloth is very nice. I've never seen such a beautiful landscape. I believe I have found true happiness here.  
Love, Qui-Gon

Dear Tahl,  
H3Y L!K3 I LUV UR TABL0!D R0Ck 0N 43VAAAA!  
-V3ra n00by

---Horoscopes---

Sagittarius: You better watch out. One very angry and very slim Hutt will kill you in your sleep once this issue is published. If your name is Kit Fisto.  
Virgo: Remember to never, ever become like your Master. All it will give you is a reputation.

---Advertisements---

Coming soon: The Diary of a Lightsaber, by Cin Drallig. Learn the art and craft of lightsaber design, and sparring. In a store near you!

Is your Padawan… _annoying_? Do you want a calm and quiet day? Dump your Padawan now! The Sparringmasters organize a survival day for every Padawan. Be free of them as they jump off cliffs under the supervision of our trained professionals.

**So, will Tahl keep writing the Tabloid (of course she will, you think I'll ever stop this fic? ) …but what is her motivation? Does Qui-Gon make it back? Or is her motivation… the precious?  
Hahaha! That sounded **_**really… **_**wrong. But it should give you a hint as to what the next chapter should be like.  
RoMythe came up with the idea for the 2****nd**** advertisement, by the way. I must give her credit.  
So feel free to review, they make my day. Anonymous or signed in; I don't mind. As long as it's not spam. :)**


	23. Chapter 23: Mistress of the Ring

**Hey everyone. Just to warn ya ahead of time: I don't know when I'll be able to update again. 'Cause I has problems that need sorting out. :D  
Oh, this chapter is sure to be a shocker! I do hope you like it.**

To my dear relief, Qui-Gon returned from Ryloth without any trace of... disgrace on him. If anything, he loves me even more. For he brought me back... the precious.

Ah-choo... Ah-choo... we wants it! We needs it! We musst protect it! We must not sp-sspeak of it in the Tabloid!

But we must share the precious with the galaxy! Ah-choo, Ah-choo, Ah-choo! We must be unselfish! We must... help the common good!

But they will come and steal the precious! They wants it! They wants it!

But it's yours! Soon-to-be-hubby Jinn won't let it come to harm!

Ah-choo must... trust Soon-to-be-Hubby?

Yes, yes. And before we knows it... the precious will be safely ours!

So now wes may brag about it to the nice readers?

Yes, yess we will.

It's a platinum band with a big honkin' diamond that fits right on we hand perfectly. It is... the ring! And we have wanted it! We have wanted it for so longs! And now we has it!

Ah-choo! Won't you ask the nice readers what they think of... the ring?

Ah yes, very good ideas, we has.

"Considering I proposed with it, I'm rather fond of it," our Soon-to-be-Hubby Qui-Gon Jinn says.

"Oh, we're doomed! Curse Jinn and his hormones!" a hormonal Obi-Wan Kenobi thinks we're ruining his life.

"If that ring is for what it think it's for, you better have gotten me a pony for my birthday," Bant seethes.

"Bigger than my eyeball itself, it is! And keep it on your finger you do, hm?" Yoda scrutinizes.

"He could have traded that rock in for a really nice landspeeder," Mace Windu's cheap nose sniffs aristocratically.

"What is that, a lightsaber crystal? But it's purple-did he steal Mace's?" Cin Drallig asks.

"Ooh! Shiny-squirrel!" a hyperactive Youngling sqeals.

"Precious... beautiful, precious, give it to me!" Siri begs. We got away real fast.

"I'll rip you to shreds if you don't hand it over right now!" Zora Antan screams. We got away even faster.

"It's, um, purple," Clee Rhara remarks innocently. "Wait, did Qui-Gon give that to you? You man stealer, you don't deserve to walk down the aisle with him, you-" at this point, we called security. This is all you need to know.

Adi Gallia didn't say anything for a moment. "Give me the precious! I need it! I wants it! It's mine!" She shrieked, lunging towards me in a full blown attack. Now we is in the healer's wing... we is in pain; something hurts in ours head!

Ah-choo! But they say it's not Master Gallia's fault, it'ss the precious...

---LETTERS TO THE EDITOR---

Dear Tahl,  
Heyheyhey! It's me, Ricky Prickly! You know-host of Reality Central? I've enclosed my card-call me up! We want to make Tahl's Talk a reality show!"  
-Ricky Prickly

Dear Ricky,  
Heyheyhey! Uh, no.  
-Tahl

Dear Tahl,  
I read your tabloid and just wanted to let you know that Qui-Gon was very well behaved on his trip to Rytoth. He flossed after every meal and recycled!  
-Ly'dia  
Rytoth  
P.S. He really isn't all that 'rawr,' you know.

---ADVERTISMENTS---

COME to Dr. Mel's free lecture on Personalities Multiplying Syndrome. (PMS) "It is generally caused by extreme excitement or stress after 9 bowls of Chili," he drones on.

FREE- chocolate bunnies. First come, first served. Not guaranteed fresh by date stamped on box. Stop by the Chancellor's office to pick up your free box!

NEW- Hair clippings of Garen Muln's. Clone your very own army of Garens, or make your own Garen boyfriend! Not in stores- contact Garen Muln for details.

---HOROSCOPES---

Virgo: A tuxedo is in your future, complete with an ion cannon to guard the precious.  
Gemini: Life... is like a planet. It revolves, but not around you. And you can quote we on that.

**So… that's it for this chappie. Why is Tahl acting like Gollum? And do all the female Jedi really want to marry Jinn, or are they just attracted to the ring?  
Speaking of which, what do you think of Qui-Gon and Tahl getting married? Like the idea, hate the idea, or so-so with the idea? I'd love to know. :)  
Reviews would cheer me up on my second-to-last day of spring break.**


	24. Chapter 24: Eritha and Alani

**There's really no reasonable reason as to why I didn't update. Well… schedule got tight around the time of the school play. And then I had a science project (big success!) After this, I just needed time to chill and get ready for 8 exams, and five other events (including my birthday!) that are all happening in a two week period. *headdesk* There's my explanation. Reasonable?**

**This chapter's for all those mothers who didn't receive bombs from their daughters this Mother's Day (which was a while ago, I know).**

Greetings, kindred readers! I'm jumping straight to it today! Before I go on with the scoop, there are a few things I must clarify!

1) Last issue, I had a few… issues that prompted many of you to send me brochures for mental hospitals. I am happy to inform you that I was simply suffering from PMS: Personalities Multiplying Syndrome. It can cause one to act like Gollum from the legendary Lord of the Rings series. (For more on this movie and stunning PMS conspiracies, see pg.7)

2) Qui-Gon and I shall be married in just three months! You will be receiving updates on how planning our trendy, upscale wedding is going in a new section called "Our Trendy, Upscale Wedding!" Here we shall explore the hippest themes, flowers, and catering businesses in the galaxy to give you a look at the glamorous side of a Jedi's life.

Now on to the matter at hand. Just recently we had Mother's Day, correct? Now, as a Jedi I usually don't like this holiday because… it's difficult to celebrate when you don't know your mother. That's why I encourage anyone and everyone to be a role model for the children in your life.

Now, here is my own story about how I am a role model for two very special children:

A few years ago I met two darling children by the names of Eritha and Alani of New Apsolon. Over the brief time we knew each other we grew very close. The girls had no mother, you see. When I left the planet, we didn't make much contact. As the Jedi still monitor things there, I have often heard of them. They are celebrities (of sorts)!

So when Mother's Day came around, the sweethearts sent me a present! It was wonderfully kind; a little box wrapped in yellow with flowers drawn on it! I was so touched.

But then…Temple security confiscated it! They claimed that it had a bomb inside!

I have no idea why these girls would send me a _bomb._ It was a Mother's Day present! Besides, they are celebrities (of sorts)! Celebrities don't send bombs.

Does anyone think these lovely, beautiful, innocent girls are out to kill?

"Possibly. You're dangerous because you have information from your previous mission. They're gaining power, like you said. Maybe they don't want that information slipping out," A Temple security spokesperson says.

Forgot to mention something: These girls are daughters of the peacekeeper of Apsolon! The best governor they've had in… ages! With this in mind, let's ask a few more people.

"Not Eritha and Alani! The little angels!" Qui-Gon exclaims. "Erm, I mean, second-to-best-angels, angel."

"Well, you never know…" Siri Tachi who happens to look just like the twin girls, says mysteriously.

"Pfft. Girls who are celebrities do not send their motherly figures bombs," Garen says in that _duh _voice.

"Like Garen says, good girls don't bomb," Reeft burps.

"Well, you must examine the facts. Not the opinions, the _facts. _Have these girls ever done something criminal- like in the past? Are they affiliated with any criminals? And what of their movies; do they want money? If they-"I had to cut off the factual and annoying Mace Windu because I was too bored to write down what he was saying. Not good tabloid material, anyway.

"There are _other girls?_" Bant screeches in horror. "_OTHER GIRLS?"_

"Jump to conclusions about nice girls, you should not. A better mother, you will be, if you trust in these children," Yoda says warmly. It took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about. Took Qui-Gon a minute, too. Now Qui-Gon's freaking out about this marriage.

"The chances of these girls sending you a bomb are approximately 9.987 to 1," TooJay says bluntly. He needed to be re-wired, anyway.

"It's not the gift itself; it's the thought that counts. You should be thankful you even got a present!" Clee sniffles.

In conclusion, I don't think anyone sent me a bomb. I mean, I have to be thankful I even _got _a gift! These girls are angels and if in the future (waay in the future), I ever have children, I have to learn to trust them!

Now I need to work on getting my present back! Temple security is just paranoid.

---LETTERS TO THE EDITOR---

Dear Tahl,  
Did you get our present?  
Love,  
Eritha and Alani

Dear Tahl,  
Yeah; didn't you get their present?  
Cheers,  
Balog

---ADVERTISEMENTS---

REFURBISHED and improved landspeeder for sale. Fits anyone smaller than .66 feet, it does. Contact Yoda for details, you should.

HELP WANTED in the Jedi Temple kitchens. Help cook for the hungriest Padawans in the galaxy! Contact Hungri the Hutt for details.

ENTER to win a trip to Ryloth! Full of adventure, romance, and (of course)… lyleks! Contact Qui-Gon Jinn for details!

---HOROSCOPES---

Virgo: Life… is a path. One path. You have to choose a path, and therefore you have to choose a girl. Choose the path, already!  
Leo: XOXO you are loved. 'Nough said.

---Our Trendy, Upscale Wedding! ---

The wedding part consists of Clee, Bant, Obi-Wan, and Yaddle! Clee is my maid of honor. Bant's the bridesmaid. Yaddle offered to be the flower girl. Kenobi's the best man. Everyone else seemed _so _touchy when I brought up the subject of marriage.

**Um… there you have it! As you can probably tell, I could use help with those horoscopes. Just saying. And if you're wondering why the wedding isn't this chapter… well, it would have taken me **_**forever**_** to write due to lack of ideas and inspiration. Besides, don't couples usually wait a few months? For the record, lyleks are a type of animal from Ryloth... get it?  
Well… my birthday **_**is **_**coming up. If you reviewed, it would be an awesome birthday present. You know I'll always reply with cookies.**


	25. Chapter 25: Heat Wave

**Thanks to all who reviewed last chappie, especially those who wished me a happy birthday! Here's some really old birthday cake! *hands people leftovers*  
Oh, Mrs. Kenobi, you mentioned Adi Gallia didn't have a headdress. As far as I know and can tell from the Star Wars wiki, she does. I hope that clears up any confusion. :)  
Once again, no real excuse for not updating. Summer started and I did absolutely nothing at all for a few days. Then I fell off my bike and hurt myself 'cause I was barefoot. Yeah… ow. I'm stupid. Then I got sick. Now I can finally write because I'm (mostly) better!**

Heat Wave!

Coruscant has been making headlines for ages. This time, though, it's not about the politics or Qui-Gon. This time it's about the most loved, hated, and constantly overlooked people who affect our daily lives. Commonly accused of being sorcerers, liars, bantha brains, and the lightning god's minions, weathermen are men and women just doing their job: predicting the weather.

As is normal with all predicting, sometimes they're right about the weather and sometimes they're not. When they're wrong we generally beat 'em up for it. But this one time... don't you wish they had been very, very wrong?

A heat wave envelops a good portion of Coruscant, causing record toasting temperatures and hair raising humilities. And for all you skeptics wondering about Coruscant's climate control... well, nothing's perfect. All those thinking it can't possibly be true, STEP OUTSIDE YOU AIR CONDITIONED WALKWAYS AND VEHICLES AND APARTMENTS.

Ahem. Sorry about that. Most of us on Coruscant don't have air cooling units. That makes us awfully grumpy. The extreme heat broke all our cooling units… and that includes the units of the Jedi Temple.

"Can't… breathe… need… water…" an overdramatic, semi aquatic Bant pants.

"I came down to the lake to cool off. Everyone else had the same idea," reports beach bum Obi-Wan Kenobi, trying to relax on a shore crammed with swimsuit-clad Jedi. He was wedged between Yaddle and a sweaty Zora Antan, both of whom seem to think they have bodies suitable for bikinis. (For this year's hottest beach bods, see p. 27!)

"Go down to the lake, we did not. But make adjustments to our Council room, we did," Yoda, in nothing but an undershirt and shorts, serenely hums. He proceeded to describe the curtains they designed out of think Jedi robes to block out the sunlight, and it actually seems to work… mostly.

"I'm helping fix the cooling units! We shall fight back against this heat!" pants Mace Windu as he oversees dozens of mechanics attempting to fix dozens of cooling units. Unfortunately, his sweaty and naturally shiny bald head kept blinding the poor mechanics.

"Don't post this in your little article, but my room is the only one with a functioning cooling unit," Qui-Gon cackles.

"The kitchen rooms themselves are out to murder us… we were just making oatmeal… but the ovens, oh!" A delirious cook wails, her face redder than the fresh tomatoes behind her that just shriveled up.

"I'm so hungry… but it's too hot to eat!" Reeft cries as Healers dash to fan and force-feed (no pun intended) the growing boy.

"Pah! Heat! I know nothing of this 'heat wave', as you bohemians call it. I've run across tundra in nothing but my socks! I've flown over deserts in raincoats! Weather has no effect on me," Dooku boasts; dressed from head to toe in an elaborate cloak as he practices his saber forms.

"My headdress is sensitive to heat! Help me!" Adi Gallia screeches as her once-proud headdress droops lower and lower…

"It's my hair!" Clee Rhara screams, her hair apparently a puffy, resistant mess.

"Gee, sorry 'bout that," I had shrugged.

"Don't be sorry! Your hair's bad, too!" Clee had pointed out.

I gasped. "Toojay, does my hair look bad?"

There was a mechanical whir. "As bad as every other person's, mistress." The droid paused. "That's very bad."

Well, that's embarrassing for all of us. No wonder all those who didn't mind the heat were curled up in our quarters all day- we look like the victims of a bad perm! This is not a heat wave, this is another bad hair day on Coruscant!

Letters to the Editor:

Dear Tahl,  
I love love love love looooooove your Tabloid almost as much as I love love love love loooove Qui-Gon!  
-Veela  
Some Random Planet (SRP)

Dear Tahl,  
Ever considered having your own talk show? We could also call it Tahl's Talk! Ahahaha!  
-Noprah

**I know I left out a lot a lot a lot. I'm debating over whether or not to leave it in the Tabloid or not. Should I bring the horoscopes and stuff back…?  
It's soooo hot where I live. Like, 85 degrees. Some of you are going, "Pfft! That's not hot!" Well, it is to me. I hate the heat. Hate hate hate it. And now we're having water trouble. Lovely; no playing in the sprinkler. I miss winter… we had so many lovely feet of snow… it drove all the adults crazy…  
The moral(s) of this story: wear shoes while riding a bike, don't go to the lake if your cooling unit breaks, and review. I'll love you for it.  
And be sure to check out "Behind the Scenes of Tahl's Talk," though Metoria hasn't been writing for a while…**


	26. Chapter 26: Jedi Contest

**I got this idea weeks ago, but it took a while to write and type up. It's been a long week for me but most of it has been enjoyable. This was on the top of my list to update… while, aside from Love and Duty. That was first, this came second. Funny, though, this fic got updated first…**

I have had a stroke of genius! (Though it was one degree away from being heat stroke.) A way to make more mon- er, interact with my readers! You see, as I hid in my swampy quarters with my humidity stricken hair on the awfully hot day, I thought humorously (yet still miserably) that it was just too hot to spend the day with my hottie, Qui-Gon. Teehee. Hottie, hot.

Anyway. That was when I realized Qui-Gon had air cooling! I remember because I told you, readers! I figured I could venture out and stay in his quarters for a while. So I did.

We had so much fun! We made wedding invitations (though our wedding isn't for a while) and made smoothies and laughed and talked the day away. It was while we were talking that Qui-Gon gave me a great idea. He suggested I have a contest for the tabloid. That's when I started thinking about _what _kind of contest. Then it occurred to me, as I slipped smoothies with my hottie: a hottie of the year contest! You, my lady readers, often remark on how hot so-and-so is in Letters to the Editor. Well, now's your chance to fill out the form on the back inside cover and vote on the cutest man in the Jedi Order.

Male readers, I would have had a swimsuit contest with us ladies, but it would have been unfair because I would have won by a landslide.

I interviewed a few of the most attractive men in the Order here. Don't forget to submit your votes!

Qui-Gon Jinn: A silent beast on the outside, sensitive and sympathetic fox on the inside. With youthful blue eyes and a mature but unlined face, his deep enchanting voice snares more women (including me!) into the embrace of his muscular arms. However, he is loyal to the woman he chooses (me!). In addition he can be overprotective and it's reeeally annoying when he starts pouting about Xanatos. He enjoys picking flowers and long walks on the beach.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: A smelly youth who still sucks his thumb; he has a history of bad relationships. He's got a boyish face to match his boyish personality, but a nice chin. His voice is trying to deepen but failing miserably, leaving his with a squeaky and changing pitch. Unlike Qui-Gon, all it takes is the bat of an eyelash to make him blush. He likes watching space cowboy movies and likes to eat noodles and cheese- no romantic comedies or honey chocolate for this kid.

Cin Drallig: He likes his ladies to have normal, boring hair to make his golden flowing do (we all know it's a wig) stand out. Other quirks of his include hand modeling and fruit sculptures. He's good with kids. He teaches children how to kill each other/other people with lightsabers. I'm sure he'll be rich someday. As an entrepreneur he plans to open his own hair salon/lighsaber accessory shop. Nicknamed "The Troll," his looks don't match his name… but his I.Q. does.

Garen Muln: At first glance he looks like one of those teen music sensations. Really cheesy. But look harder and you'll see a boy trying (a little too hard) to make the leap to manhood. I'd say he's farther along than Obi-Wan, as he's letting go of the "girls have cooties" principle quite gracefully. In addition, he's an aspiring pilot who loves showing the ladies the stars, but he has the tendency to blush, stutter, and pass out when you first enter the cockpit.

Mace Windu: Despite his baldness, he is not old. In fact, he's a… hunk, according to his girlfriend. Always faithful to his dear Zora Antan, he copes with anger management problems; the anger which he takes out on the maverick Qui-Gon in the Jedi Council room. A stickler for the rules yet adventurous, he could take you away to a land of love… provided you wear a seatbelt and fly the speed limit.

Kit Fisto: Twi'leks are considered hot partially because of their head tails. Well… he's got head tails; lots of them! I suppose that makes him more attractive if you like the exotic type. He has an infamous dating history mired in mystery, the contents of which are darker than his large, inky black eyes. It's impossible not to fall for this bad boy, though. His toothy smile is always present as he heckles at some joke only he understands.

Reeft: He's famous for his infallible pickup line; "burp." If you don't find that hot, that's okay, you may be interested in some of his other hobbies. He enjoys a good shopping spree… at the local farmer's market. He loves the outdoors… if you're around berry bushes. All in all, he's not too picky about anything. He works off the extra dessert by somersaulting around in one of them Temple's many gyms.

Yoda: Largely known for being slow and steady. If you want someone who will be around for a while, he's your man! He enjoys meditating with the woman of his dreams (for that century, at least) and being treated to a massage for his dusty old limbs, He's small enough to fit in your purse so you'll never lose him! In addition, he can sit in your lap and watch the clouds go by, which are way faster than the white hairs that fall from his head. He's really serious about the Force, so don't get him and it- they don't call him the Grand Jedi Master of No Fun for nothing!

There it is! Go ahead and vote! Results shall be posted next issue- you won't want to miss out on this galaxy-wide event!

OOOOOOO

Letters to the Editor

Dearest Tahl,  
My dear idol, it's a great pleasure to make the acquaintance of your, erm, computer. I am bestselling author P. B. An-J, and an idea struck me: you stop writing silly articles that are putting the humor novel industry out of business!  
-P.B. An-J

Dear Tahl,  
It was so cool that we were featured in your tabloid! We're, like, celebrities or something! Granted, we had a few run-ins with police who thought we were making bombs… but we took care of them! Ha!  
Cheers,  
Eritha and Alani

Dear Tahl,  
I do say, your… eh, literature is quite a profound specimen. What an interesting blend of gossip and fact! It sheds a whole new light on the most revered Jedi Order. Bravo!  
Your fan,  
Professor Tinky-Winkle

OOOOOOO

Horoscopes

Aries: Nothing is on your side, especially if you have inky black eyes and numerous tentacles… who knows, after a certain article publication a certain blue Jedi twi'lek just might dump you and a certain person writing the article can't be blamed for it!  
Capricorn: Eventually you'll find your niche. Yup; the Force told me that.

OOOOOOO

Advertisements

WANTED: Organ player for wedding. Must have experience with wedding tunes; no spooky songs whatsoever. Pay by the hour. Vampires need not apply.

GRAND OPENING of Cin Drallig's hair salon and lighsaber accessory shop this coming week! Bring the whole crèche!

**The contest results will be announced next issue… and we will see which Jedi the galaxy thinks is the hottest and how everyone reacts to that. Until then, review! And I think it would be fun if you could vote on someone for this contest and that would help determine the results, but… alas, that would be considered interactive and against guidelines. I still encourage you to vote by contacting me (whether it's by PM or email, or you could add it in a review) and I'll probably post the results of **_**that **_**vote on my profile or on a forum… if enough people vote. Once again, it won't affect the outcome of the contest in the fic. It's just some fun on the side. :)  
Click the review button to lemme know what you thought of this chapter… Tahl is awfully biased in her opinions on men. Just thought I'd put it out there before I quit typing this A/N.**


	27. Chapter 27: The Wedding

**On Sunday the Washington Redskins beat the Dallas Cowboys! (American football, get with the program. XD) So, uh, that's why I decided to update. Because I decided to do something nice for a change…**

Dear readers! You disappoint me! You voted… Garen Muln as hottie of the year? Of all people! He's getting all the attention! Which, er, distracts from his studies as a Jedi Padawan. Shame on you for depriving the teen of a normal life.

Enough of that. This issue will give you the scoop on this year's hottest wedding- mine! And as I will be busy partying and celebrating, I have decided that Garen Muln shall be the reporter! (Since you all seem to like him so much. Are you happy now?)

_ooooo_

Um… hello, tabloid readers of the galaxy. This is Garen Muln, holding a datapad and stylus… I'm not sure how I got this job. Tahl is an emotional wreck today because Qui-Gon 's ex girlfriend showed up. She just shoved the datapad in my hand and went off to cry in the bathroom. But what am I talking about? That's not tabloid material. So, er, I assume I have to be the writer of this article as punishment for winning that contest? I guess I better walk up to someone and ask them how the wedding went…

"The ceremony was beautiful. The doves were a bit much though," says Clee Rhara as she picks feathers out of her thick hair.

"This cake is great! The wedding was great! And the best thing is Qui-Gon's leaving for his honeymoon for six whole weeks!" Obi-Wan says with a mouth full of frosting.

"I was… so happy… for Tahl… until I realized… she was going to be gone for six weeks!" Bant Eerin, Tahl's constantly overlooked Padawan, sobs.

"When Qui-Gon said 'I do' it was a picture perfect moment. How very emotional. Qui-Gon looked ready to die. Of happiness, of course," Siri beams.

"Boogying with the bride on the dance floor I was when hurt my back I did!" Yelps a hunched over Yoda. "Too fast these songs are!"

"Zora and I have had a good time. I made a speech earlier. A toast to the newlyweds!" A tipsy Mace Windu announces.

"I'm a little offended they didn't let me be the caterer. I would have been great. And look, we've run out of cream puffs!" Reeft exclaims.

"It's icky. They keep kissing. And dancing. And putting cake icing on each other's noses!" Whines a Youngling.

"At first we were very concerned because that evil ex of Qui-Gon's showed up. Tahl seemed ready to fling herself off the tallest tower in the Temple. You know, all romantic-like. But we convinced her to shove his _ex _down off the tower instead. Smart, right?" An anonymous bridesmaid chirps.

"When they first walked into the reception everyone started cheering. And a few women started sobbing. Unfortunately I only have two shoulders for them to cry on," says Kit Fisto with Aayla Secura, who also sang the song for their first dance.

And finally, we hear from Qui-Gon and Tahl:

"I wasn't expecting all this. In the good way. And now… we honeymoon, right?" the groom asks dazedly.

"Honeymooning! Whoop! Yes, Quiggy, that's where we're going next," an excited bride giggles. "Oh, Garen, thanks for taking over for the next six weeks. But after that, would you mind taking over for the next year or so? Qui and I are gonna get busy!"

"Bye Garen," Qui-Gon says forlornly.

The end, tabloid readers. There you have it; that was Tahl's wedding.

…Wait, did she say I have to do this for the next year?

I'm Garen Muln, not Tahl! I can't… commandeer a tabloid!

I'm out of here.

_ooooo_

**So, er, I've decided not to write any more chapters. It used to be fun, but now… it's not. I've been moving on to other genres. Plus, I just started high school (it sucks, by the way) and really don't have the time anymore.  
Thank you, everyone, for reading. Thanks to everyone who helped out and to everyone who reviewed. You guys are without a doubt the best readers ever! :) I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope the ending wasn't too bad…  
**


End file.
